Shit I Wrote Pt. 1

"Letter to the Pope"

I myself am a Christian, raised Roman Catholic. When I wrote this I didn't mean it to be offensive in any way, and so far no one has found it as such. "Letter to the Pope" is one of my more popular writings, and one of my personal favorites of what I've released to others. I originally wrote it in 12th grade as a humorous monologue inspired partly by a dream my friend Alex had told me about in middle school in which Satan had attacked her from her clothing dryer, and a story my friend Meg had told me that year in 12th grade at one of our drama practices in response to me telling her of Alex's dream, Meg told me jokingly that her refrigerator like Alex's dryer in one of the nine gates of Hell. Anyways, enjoy.

Dear Benedict,

What's up? Not too much here just wondering what to get you for your birthday. I can't remember if you're allergic to polyester. This stole I'm looking at for you here is green, I'm assuming that ordinary time? I figured I'd get you something you can wear on more days of the year. Anyways, I digress the real reason for this letter is really rather urgent. I have reason to believe that two of the nine gates of Hell lie within two earthly vessels currently in the possessions of two of my friends here in the United States. I know we've already destroyed the obvious ones like the one under the Reichstag and the one inside Dick Cheney's man-sized safe, but I fear that the gates are getting to be in more unassuming places. The Dark Lord's trickery and deceit indeed knows no bounds, and I think he's starting to catch on to what we're trying to do. I suggest we act fast, before Donahue rats us out again. The bastard. Oh and while I'm thinking about it...considering that one of the gates is a refrigerator, Hell did in fact freeze over, in one spot anyway, so I'd really like that million dollars you promised me if that ever happened. You remember? I was over at the Vatican that one time and we were playing Catholic Monopoly, then right after your Knights Thimblar took Jerusalem Avenue you asked if there was anything you could get me, and I said "Yeah, a million dollars", then you said "Sure, when Hell freezes over". Guess what? It did! So yeah I'd really appreciate it if you could get that to me, I accept PayPal. Anyways, see you at the Dance Dance Anti-Evolution tournament next Saturday? Looking forward to it, dude.

Much love,

Mooney